Getting Me Back

May 6, 2014

So far 2013 has been a year of intense soul searching & looking in the mirror at myself & the choices I’ve made over my life. When I told people that I was coming to Hawaii by myself they looked at me as if that was a bad thing or they looked at me with envy that I could go in the first place. This trip is not about anyone or anything other than getting me back. I lost me for about 5 years. I allowed myself to be defined by man & my career.

Who was Farah/Cocoa and where did she go? Being in a marriage that made me question everything about myself & being in a career that constantly reminded me that I was not good enough wears on you like a boulder to your chest. Don’t get me wrong I will never bash my ex husband because in spite of what he did or didn’t do, he is still the Father of my child & that alone will always make me have discretion. But watching my marriage crumble & not having the ability to save it crushed me & my spirit.

I thank God everyday for my beautiful son who laughs when he wakes & laughs when he goes to sleep. He is such a happy child & knowing that none of the madness that is going on around him affects him in any way makes me realize that out of such BS came the most beautiful blessing ever! That Lil boy saves me from plummeting into a place of depression & feelings of failure. No way did I fail bringing this precious soul into the world! At this point in my life I have something & someone bigger than me to live for.

I have to heal from my past to ensure his future. I am the first woman he will love & I refuse to have him believe that all black women are depressed, bitter or even broken. I want him to see a happy & peaceful woman, a survivor, a woman that takes responsibility for her actions, a woman that loves herself & others & knows her worth. I want him to see the kind of woman he’d like to be with one day, set a standard that I would never question. But I also have to become this woman for myself. I’ve made bad choices in my life & now that I’ve seen those choices for what they were & I can understand why I made them. I now have to set a new standard for myself. I can’t continue to beat myself up & have regrets. Ain’t nobody got time to be having a pity party!

I’ve been blessed beyond my wildest dreams but ain’t it funny how you can never truly see the blessed life you live? All you chose to see is what you haven’t done or have. The devil is a lie! That’s his way of distracting you from giving God his just do for all He has done for you. I see that now so very clear. Being in a business that constantly reminds you that what you’ve accomplished still ain’t enough & then coming home to the same sentiment given by someone you love just eats away at you like a cancer. I wore a smile for so long as my insides were being ravaged by the cancers of self doubt insecurities & disdain for the lie I was living. I loathed going to shows or anywhere public for fear & hate of how I had to lie to myself & others that all was good in my world when in fact I was in my own personal hell.

One thing I know is when you reveal what’s really going on those so called “I got your back” mofos will come out like crabs in a bucket. I’ve never seen such joy in someone’s else’s pain as I’ve seen in those crabs when they found out my marriage was over. But at least now all their cards are shown & I see them for who they truly are. Even as my ex goes on a all out war to attack my character I can’t say I’m surprised at the minions that believe him or just find joy in telling me what he said. I am very well aware of the attack I’m facing right now. I have never said i was perfect & I didn’t make mistakes but i do know that I have held myself accountable and have faced the music in my part of this sad song. All I can do at this point is get in the studio of my soul & rewrite the lyrics & make a new beat.

Even as I rebuild my personal life my professional life is under attack as well. As I look back over my 14+ year career as a stand up comic the reality has hit me that this stage of my life was only supposed to be a stepping stone, a catalyst to the other great things I’m supposed to do. I wasn’t meant to buy this house, just rent it for awhile. To be honest my whole time in this game of comedy I’ve never felt like I belonged and of recent years I feel more like the bastard child of the side chick. I’ve found myself constantly trying to fit in, be accepted & respected in a club that refuses to truly let me in. If I had a dollar for all the times I received a standing I ovation or was told I’m the funniest chick in the game I’d be rich but as time has passed I’ve been shown on numerous occasions that it don’t mean squat because they are not letting me the clubhouse anyway.

I’ve called this business Ike for years because its like being in an abusive relationship but you don’t leave. Well I’m tired of having my spirit & soul that I’ve put into this stepped on & denied & it’s oh so clear now that this was merely a pit stop on the road to my true destiny. When your heart is truly not in something anymore I feel that’s Gods way of packing your bags & telling you it’s time to move. I’ve known this for years but for whatever reason I chose to stay. Well not anymore. There is a calling & desire for something that will love me just as much as I love it or them. I’m done casting my pearls amongst swines as the Bible says. It’s time to embark on a new journey that will forever fulfill my heart.

It won’t be tomorrow because until this new path is revealed to me I must stay on course to if nothing else provide for my son but the beauty of this clarity I have now is I will never ever again think or believe that the standing ovations define me or garner a place in the club. I will no longer be upset that I’m not chosen for opportunities in this game because I deserve them & have worked my ass off for them. I get it now. And because of that clarity Mr. Or Mrs. Comedy, your acceptance, validation or respect is no longer required or desired. I’m am here merely for my son & my fans period! I don’t need to be a part of your club to know that God gave me this talent to share with the world until He feels fit to take it away. It’s funny I came to Hawaii for clarity, to heal from the brokenness that surrounded me & as I type this I’m not thinking about what I’m trying to say its writing itself.

The fear I’ve felt about rediscovering my true purpose in this life, the fear of being judged, the fear of feeling invisible in a world full of people, the fear of being another single mother raising a little black boy, the fear of never finding true love, the fear of never being able to trust, the fear that my past has dictated my future, the fear of not being good enough, the fear itself is alive it’s breathing but as I write this I pray those fears will be beaten & removed by my mere faith that I have more to do & to be in this lifetime.

God gave me a purpose & responsibility bigger than myself, bigger than comedy, bigger than Hollywood. He gave me the one thing I’ve always wanted & desired. The one thing that I’ve yearned for since I was a little girl. He gave me my son, the absolute love of my life & I choose him over all this other mess. I choose to get right for him. But I have to get right for me too. I have to shed the scars of my past & find that little girl inside of me that was pure, innocent, optimistic & hopeful. That little girl that didn’t know rejection or betrayal. That Lil girl that believed with all her heart that all her dreams were going to come true. That Lil girl that only knew pain from a skinned knee. That Lil girl who loved through her heart not her fears. I’m now & forever focused on getting Me back.